Will I Ever Feel Done? The Quiet, Complicated Question of Motherhood
As a therapist, and even more so as a mother, the question of whether or not a family feels complete, feels far too familiar.
“How do I know if I’m done having kids?”
“If it were the right choice, why doesn’t it feel settled?”
“Everyone else seems so sure… why can’t I be?”
If you’re living inside that uncertainty, I want to start with this truth. There’s nothing broken about you. This is one of those questions that can be less like flipping a switch and more like walking through fog. One where you’re trying to find the edge of something that truly doesn’t have a hard boundary.
And part of what makes it so hard is being “done” isn’t just a practical decision. It’s emotional, and has the ability to touch so many different parts of our life.
The Myth of “Feeling Certain”
A lot of women assume there will be a moment when they’ll just know. A clear internal “ah-ha!”. Relief. Certainty. Sometimes that happens, and often, it doesn’t. Because “done” can mean different things at the same time:
Done biologically (your body, age, fertility, health)
Done relationally (your partnership, support, circumstances)
Done emotionally (your heart, your longing, your capacity)
Done practically (time, finances, space, childcare, work)
Done spiritually/identity-wise (your sense of purpose or family picture)
You might be done in one of these categories and not in another, and the mismatch can feel like a possible wrong choice, when it’s often just the complexity of being human.
The Sneakiness of Grief
Even when a woman feels confident she’s done having children, that decision can still hurt.
This one surprises people. One might think, “But I’m happy. I love my kids. I’m relieved we’re past diapers. So why am I sad?” Well, because endings bring grief. Unmet expectations bring grief. Not only grief for what was painful or difficult, but for what was beautiful and cherished.
You might grieve,
the last time you held a newborn against your chest
the pregnancy version of you (even if pregnancy was hard)
the “firsts” that won’t happen again
the family you pictured in your mind years ago
the sense of possibility, or “we could still…”
That grief doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It can simply mean you are honoring a chapter that deeply mattered.
Comparison Can Make this Question Louder
When you’re unsure, comparison has the ability to shake the uncertainty even more. You may see friends announcing “one more”, strangers with big families, or influencers on instagram who make motherhood look effortless. You may also see women who “just knew” after one baby, or women who could never imagine being done having kids, and suddenly, you’re left wondering if you are doing any of it “right”. Comparison doesn’t clarify your answer, it often just turns your question into shame. And when shame makes its way in, it can become especially difficult to hear YOUR own truth.
Your Desires are Allowed to Change
One of the most confusing parts of this decision is that you may have had a “plan” once, and now it doesn’t fit.
Maybe you always imagined,
three kids, but one pregnancy changed you
two kids close together, but postpartum rocked you
a big family, but your career turned into a higher priority
“as many as possible,” but life got expensive and exhausting
stopping at one, but your heart tugged in a new way
Desire is not static, though. It responds to experience. Sometimes what shifts isn’t desire itself, but capacity. Your nervous system, your energy, your mental health, and your bandwidth can change. Sometimes your desire changes because you’ve grown. Sometimes it changes because you’re protecting yourself. Sometimes it changes because you’re finally listening to what you actually want, not what you thought you should want.
None of that makes you wrong or broken. It makes you human.
Two things can be true
Life decisions are not all or nothing, and we can experience more than one truth at a time.
I don’t want to start over.
I miss the idea of one more.
I’m stretched thin.
I still feel joy when I imagine another baby.
I’m grateful.
I’m grieving.
You can feel peace and sadness at the same time, in the same season, with the same decision.
A Gentle Reminder: Certainty Isn’t Required for a Good Decision
Women can experience a lot of pressure to make this decision with unwavering confidence, as if doubt equals incorrect. But many good decisions are made with mixed feelings. Many “right” choices still involve loss. Many women never feel 100% done, and still feel at peace with the family they have.
If you’re trying to figure out whether you’ll ever fully feel done, it may help to reframe the question. Instead of “Will I feel absolutely certain?” Try “Can I make a loving decision that I can stand behind, and make space for the grief that comes with it?”
Whether you have one child or five, whether you’re done or undecided, whether you’re grieving or relieved, you deserve compassion and space to make a messy, beautiful, challenging, freeing, and honoring decision for yourself.
With love,
Maddie