What is Actually the Problem: You or Your Expectations? How Appropriate Goal Setting Can Change Your Approach- and Outcome

Maybe you’re tired of me talking about appropriate goal setting, but I’m back to talk about it once again because it’s that important.

The act of goal setting is both the starting point and the breaking point.

It can be the difference between what happens and what doesn’t so let’s talk about it again and add some more depth this time.

Goal setting is something we do both causally and loudly. We set mental agendas for the day, publicly post initiatives, whisper secret goals to our therapist, and write our dreams down in journals.

Goal setting is a very human experience.
Sometimes it feels vulnerable to share, other times we need others to hold us accountable.

But what happens when the goals we set aren’t helping us—when they’re actually hurting us?

Let’s talk about the ways we might be working against ourselves.

You’re too harsh on yourself 

Sometimes when we find ourselves in a place that feels unbearable we naturally become desperate to fix it.

Most of the time that urgency turns into too big of goals in an attempt to make things better. But setting goals that are too big can backfire.

Instead of motivating us, they overwhelm us.

We might not realize it, but sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, subconsciously, by creating goals that are impossible to reach in our current state.

Then, when we inevitably fall short, we use that as “proof” that we’re incapable or lazy or broken.

You're not broken. You’re just expecting yourself to jump ten steps ahead when instead what you need is a manageable first one.

You don’t tell trusted others 

Sometimes we keep our goals to ourselves out of fear.

Fear of judgment, failure, or simply because we're used to handling things alone.

But isolation can be a quiet saboteur.

When we don’t tell others, we don’t have any opportunity for someone else to reflect that our goal might be, or is, unrealistic.

Having a trusted other tell you in a gentle way that your goal might not be realistic can be both supportive and comforting.

It can also be an opportunity for you to view the goal from a different perspective, rather than continue to obey it. 

If you feel you don’t have a trusted person in your life, consider engaging in therapy.

If you are in therapy, but it still feels too vulnerable to share aloud, ask your therapist if you are able to write it down in session instead.

It’s hard to meet expectations if we haven’t first had the opportunity to manage or agree to the expectations. 

You haven’t communicated your expectations 

Another way we self-sabotage is by assuming people around us should just know what we need.

When we have goals, especially when they are goals for a relationship, it’s essential to articulate our expectations clearly. You might expect yourself to “be over it” by next week, so you wait until maybe it feels too late.

Once you start to feel anger and resentment building towards others getting in the way of your goals, it’s hard to stop and reflect if you have actually said the thing out loud?

Have you explored what “better” even looks like? Unspoken expectations create confusion, resentment, and self-doubt.

Naming them gives you power.

It allows you to adjust, communicate, and collaborate, and compromise with the people in your life—and yourself. 

So, is it you—or your expectations?

Sometimes, it’s not that you’re incapable or unmotivated.

It’s that your expectations need to be revisited.

That’s not failure—that’s wisdom, that’s kindness, that’s healing.

Reframe your goals. Make them gentle.

Make them real. Make them possible.

Start with what you can do today.

Start with a step that maybe feels small even.

Start with talking it through.

And see that all along it was never you that was the problem.